HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. Asmuch as we try toconvince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP isinevitable. For those whohate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guidefor taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office sothe smell is not inyour area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop untilthe full fart hasbeen expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has leftyour pants.

FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom beforepooping. Walk in andcheck for other poopers. If there are others in thebathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENTFLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly goinginto the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak atthe urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompaniedby a sudden waveof embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do notacknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next tothe farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes anescapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke orlaughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at amachine gun pace. Thisis usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. Ifthis shouldhappen, do not panic. Remain in the stall untileveryone has left thebathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of whatjust occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. Thisreduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink upthe bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door afteryou have juststunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortablemoment if someonewalks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best topretend that thesmell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk canbe avoided withthe use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damnproud of it. You willoften see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter thebathroom with anewspaper or magazine under his or her arm.Always look around the office for the Out Of TheCloset Pooper beforeentering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensureemergency pooping goesoff without incident. This group can help you tomonitor the whereaboutsof Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFEHAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in thebuilding whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that arepredominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper ofyour sex enteringthe bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are inthe stall and triesto force the door open. This is one of the mostshocking and vulnerablemoments that can occur when taking a poop at work Ifthis occurs, remainin the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This wayyou will avoid alluncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that youare in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can beused to cover- up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. TheCamo-Cough is veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alertpotential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will alldoubt that thestall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave thebathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splashwhen hitting thetoilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. SeeCAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using aCamo-Cough with anAstaire.

UNCLE AARON or AUNT MICHELLEAn Uncle Aaron or aunt Michelle is a bathroom user whoseems to lingeraround forever.This person could spend extended lengths of time infront of the mirroror sitting on the pot. An Uncle Aaron makes itdifficult to relax whileon the crapper, as you should always wait to poop whenthe bathroom isempty. This benefits you as well as other bathroomattendees. Hope theSurvival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitablepart of life.