I have a tree in my back yard, and this tree is so mean that it doesn’t allow any grass to grow around it. So it looks kind of yucky and muddy and it’s somewhat of an eyesore. Well, the wife and I decided to build a rock wall encircling the tree. We want it to be maybe a foot high, and it’ll probably be about 8-10 feet in diameter. Once complete, it’ll make that whole area look a lot neater. We want to use big rocks, like the size between a softball and a soccer ball. The only problem was that I don’t have 60-80 little boulders lying around my little 60 by 100 yard. So, I priced out buying some rocks, and wouldn’t you know it, they were expensive. Since I kind of have a principal about not buying ice cubes, I applied that same principal to not buying f’n rocks. So now I have a dilemma, where can I get some rocks to build my really cool rock wall. I decided to look around the neighborhood, and see if there were some rocks on some undeveloped piece of land, and there weren’t. So then I decided to see if there were some rocks on people’s actual property that they wouldn’t mind if I stole. You see, I have a history of stealing things, but that’s another story for another time. So, wouldn’t you know it, I found the perfect house that had hundreds of rocks that were running along the outside of these people’s property, and they were beautiful rocks, just ripe for the picking. Problem was, this house was about 3 miles away from mine. So I devised a plan. I’d hop on my bike, bring a back-pack, ride past this house, drop my bike, pretend that I had a flat or something, take a rock or two or three, put it in my back-pack, and then peddle away happily ever after. Of course I’d have to do this about 20 times in order to get enough rocks for my beautiful rock wall. So for about two weeks, without my wife’s consent of course, because if she knew, she’d be totally embarrassed, Mr. Pu has been stealing rocks on his bike, from these people’s house, and I’ve managed to steal about 15-20 big rocks. The first phase of my wall is complete, and these idiots didn’t even know what hit them. That is, until Wednesday evening, when my plan suddenly got all fucked up. I was riding, and then I layed my bike down, just as if I had a flat tire. I pretended to bang my back wheel with one of those rocks, and I slipped it into my backpack. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see this old man with a cane yelling and hobbling down his front steps at me. “Oh Shit, I’ve been made” I said. The old bastard yells back “Are you the fucker that’s taking my stones?” Not wanting to talk, I hop on the bike, throw about 30lbs of rocks on my back and peddle away as fast as I can. But this old fuck throws his cane at me, and it hits my bike and then skips across the street onto his neighbors property. Thank god it missed and I was able to peddle down the road, not before I flipped him the bird though. But it’s a long winding road, and I’m hoping that the old man falls down or something before he gets a chance to get in his car and chase me down. So I’m peddling like Lance Armstrong, up these hills, down these hills, trying to take short cuts. And the 30lbs of rocks are really starting to weight me down, but I wasn’t going to let my precious cargo drop to the ground. Anyway, to make a long story short, the old man never caught me, and I made it home dripping in sweat. But now, I’ll never ride my bike past that old bastard’s house again. And if anyone knows where I can get about 30 more big rocks, please let me know.
Thanks. Mr. Pu
